Hey, Dragon Tea

Today's mandatory shopping experience is the first that I'v actually been excited about. We're off to a tea plantation to learn about the famous West Lake Dragon Wall Green tea. The area's ambient climate and frequent rain make it ideal to cultivate tea. 

Hey, Shanghai

Ive truly had enough of the tour as I rolled into Shanghai for my final two days. Plan for tomorrow is to ditch the group with two other couples and go explore Shanghai without a plan or obligation to hurry-up and wait for the other slower members.

A block away from the hotel we boarded the subway.  Three line changes and 1.5hours later we disembarked at the Yuyuan Bazaar and garden in the heart of old Shanghai.  This commercial district has all of the touristy souvenirs you desire at good prices, once you bargain them down, and many street vendors selling the famous dumplings that Shanghai is known for.  Of course there's a Starbucks...there's always a Starbucks these days. 

After milling about the shops for a couple of hours we entered into the garden.  The tour group missed this wonder but we made it a top priority for our day.  The large traditional garden turned out to be a highlight of the entire trip.   The architects mastery of water, buildings, and rock made a wonderland that we were pleased not to be rushed through.

 Another crazy sight that came highly recommended was the laser tunnel passing under the river that cuts through the city. You board a pod and are slowly dragged through a tube which is filled with light effects, a crazy experience. We were all glad not to have bought the round trip though.

Hey. Architecture

Somebody in my group commented, "seems like they gave some architects a bottle of whiskey and told them to figure it out."

There are buildings shaped like pants buildings with holes in them(intentionally), whole districts of the same building over and over(like the architects went to bed after the first)

Hey, Build the Wall

Finally, a day to sleep in, raised at 730 instead of what has become the norm of 6am. We're off to the 5000km long Great Wall.

The wall is located in the mountains 37km away from the city. I had no clue until I woke this morning that there were mountains so close until I looked out my hotel window and saw my first smogless day, a bluebird day. In the distance, they stood and somewhere on their tops wound the wall along their peaks and ridges.

The bus jolted to a stop waking me in a parking lot that had grass growing through the pavement. A nondescript warehouse type building was our first destination of the morning. It was promoted to be a jade factory but I'd later find that it was an absolutely massive jewelry store, oh great, exactly how I'd like to waste my time.

The space filled with jade bracelets, small jade trinkets, gawdy large jade boats, and sculptures of all shapes and sizes immediately made apparent that my jade Buddha desire was out of line when one, barely larger than a quarter, cost nearly 100 bucks. Then I saw the restaurant in the center, clearly paced there so the guys can calm their nerves while their ladies found the perfect necklace to drain his wallet and perhaps their child's college fund nearly instantly.

Bill Murray, a fellow Coloradan who's got a sour dispositioned girlfriend with expensive taste, decided 12-year-old scotch would help him face the upcoming bill. I ordered a coffee and sunk into a barstool beside him. He decided he didn't want to drink alone so he surprised me with a three-fingered pour when he ordered his next. I reluctantly accepted being that it was just ten in the morning, it's going to be a long day.

There wasn't a joke or protest that kept him from demanding another drink for us both, two hours later and one bottle down his girl was ready to check out. She had looted his wallet out of 32,000 bucks. he and I poured ourselves into the shuttle for the remaining hour trip to the wall.

There are two types of towers along the walls, beacon towers, and watchtowers. The former is larger towers and often contain enough room for a garrison and sleeping quarters. Back in the ancient times, the soldiers would light fires signaling a thousand invading soldiers per beacon and then the protectors of the wall would rush reinforcements along the wall. I use the word "rush" relatively because stairs of varying height connect the towers sometimes at a 60-degree angle making them incredibly steep.

The origin of the wall started with several walls that were interconnected through the years and as wars permitted. The original walls were circular which allowed our team to try our hardest to make it all the way around at the provided time. Most people quit and went to the bar after the first three towers, but I kept pushing beyond the burning legs and stooper to the 12th and completed the circuit.

Upon my completion, the wall let out into a parking lot full of tour buses. Mine had to be there I thought. I braved the frequent catcalls from taxi drivers to walk up and down the line but I did not find my bus. I decided to go back toward the entrance where we ststartedIy appeared my only choice was to leave a one-way gate to start the way back, big mistake because this put me on the road in a scary tunnel with no sidewalk and cars flying both ways.

"Richard!" I hear faintly and again. I've really never answered to Richard so I was surprised it caught my attention. The source of the bellows was Lilly our hawk-eyed tour guide. Oh no, I cursed, there's another parking lot high on the hill and now I've got a slight hangover and a Great Wall to overcome. I found they'd added a storm drain that seemed I could carefully scale up the 30 feet to the parking. The drain ended about 6 feet short of the top of the wall. I found some footholds and pulled myself up the final distance.

Don't call me a Richard, call me a Marauder (unless I’m tipsy and hopelessly lost those times...Richard will do...or marauder)

Hey, pearl necklace

After an absolute waste of time at an unremarkable lake we began the day. In-store today we're off to a freshwater pearl factory, which turned out to be a warehouse in a business park. The tour, as it turns out is a shopping spree between these government warehouses specializing in local goods.

I dipped out toward a palace I saw on Maps.ME 1.5km away. The temple was undergoing a massive upgrade to include a Buddha laying on his side in a sexy pose. The massive buddha will be inset into a man-made cave in the mountain behind the temple. Gocarts and helicopter tours will grace the grounds once it is finished. The future amusements will

Hey, Buddha

Waxi is the host of the fourth great Buddha of China, the Eastern Buddha. Looming 270 feet high the 700-ton bronze statue is the main attraction of a Buddist theme park.

Four times a day the lotus flower opens and a baby Buddha rises up and orchestrates a vegas style water show that supposedly represents the story of Siddhartha set to music.

A replica Tibetan monastery allows you to experience prayer wheels and other replicas of artifacts hidden high in the Himalayas.

Hey, I'm Lingering in a Garden

Considered one of the most beautiful gardens in the country, Souzou's lingering garden was built in the 16th century. It is a masterpiece of Xui style architecture characterized by the use of black, white,  and grey. Lords didn’t want to travel far because travel was difficult so they designed their homes so nature came inside for them to enjoy. We stopped on a dumpy street and walked through a doorway into a splendor I couldn’t imagine. The chrysanthemums were in full bloom and many of the deciduous trees were turning color.

Afterward, we set off to one of the largest silk factories in China, which again was a shopping trap for many in the group for the tacky, but soft, comforters. A pair of socks and a couple ties and I was done, the others though took two and a half hours.

Optional tour in the afternoon was a riverboat tour in one of the city's many waterways. I chose to pass and me and two others hustled up to a Buddhist Pagoda we could see in the distance.



Tiger Hill Pagoda is the leaning tower of China. It was constructed in the first century as a Buddhist shrine. The tower has started listing since it was built and lost all of the traditional roofs that divided up the column for decoration. Twelve bucks entry was a bargain.

The pagoda caries its name because of the prayer rocks at its base and how people prayed while crouching like a tiger.

The grounds of Tiger Hill contain a Bonzi garden with an uncountable number of potted plants of all shapes and sizes.

A massive shrine to the Buddhas contains ceramic doll-like figures representing the life of the Buddha.

The grounds also contained a litany of springs water features and rock gardens.

We moved hastily through the grounds while the others were on the boat ride, and naturally, we beat them back to the bus.
The most of the rest of the group came back complaining about the boat ride, while we discovered a unique and fulfilling experience. Jackpot, on the other hand, also didn't go on the boat and presumably went to several street vendors returned swaggering 45 min late like she owned Suzhou now.

Once we finished giving her a proper verbal undressing for her tardy, we headed up an hour away to Wuxi

Hey, I'm following a flag

I travel today to the Forbidden City with thirty-four mouth breathing half wits. Down in the Oasis Cafe, I get a premonition of what the day will entail while they pad their already lumpy physiques with the English/Chinese breakfast. The spread is lavish with a dessert station, omelet station, charcuterie, a dozen soups, fresh fruit and pastries galore.

The omelet station is particular hilarity. I had to resist watching as the group filed past and made their orders, each person left a bit broken because their order wasn't quite right. Too little chives, no tomatoes, this guy got tomatoes when he intended to get mushrooms, I want mine more cooked, I want mine scrambled they plead. They all receive a delicious omelet exactly like the one before it, they don't realize she's making them all the same.

"If they're late tomorrow they owe us a song," jested the tour guide. We're stuck waiting on family fourteen who is a rotund hippy girl, one I was dreading being stuck with as I passed her while boarding the plane.

In 1402 Tiananmen square was built translated it ironically means "peaceful gate of the heavens" and is a hotspot for social protest. The square easily fits 2,000,000 people. A two-hour line snaked through the square full of penitent mourners of the late Mao who still lies in state some 40 years after his death. The square is guarded by the massive buildings of Mao's tomb, the great hall of the people building, the national museum, and the gate of the forbidden city sporting the 3000lb painting of the late Mao.

We walked over the moat and beneath the visage of Mao to enter the city that housed multiple dynasties and their concubines. Each gate has a grid of bolts nine by nine that bring good luck to those who drag their hands upon them.

Five gates and courtyards later I realized the paranoia that the place represented. An assassin would have to first forge the moat then climb the 40 foot tall 100-foot thick wall, scamper across a courtyard unnoticed then repeat the task five more times until they penetrated to where the emperor favored. Trouble is that then the assassin would have their greatest feat yet, locating the emperor in one of the palace's 9,999 rooms.

Emporers preferred the man-made lake region of the Summer Palace.  The British tried to snuff out the history by raising it to the ground during the opium wars. The Dragon Lady, a famous concubine that rose to emporess and eventually main decision maker for the last emporer, rebuilt the grounds palaces added bridges and her own residence with a 700m walkway adorned with 8000 unique paintings.

Buy the end of the day today the group got rowdy, a couple of winers need

ed a throat punch. "My feet hurt" they squabbled, "how far are we?" they quibbled, "did I pay for this in advance?" they questioned. Bless our guide Lily's heart for keeping so calm and repeating directions over and over consoling their qualm. I became friends with a car buff that resembled Bill Murray and his Arab girlfriend. We constantly were chiding the other people in the group under our breath...Jackpot and her husband were the butt of many inside jokes due to their Compton roots.

Hey, I'm off again.

Yet another trip as the result of an impulse buy, this time falling victim to a Groupon tour package for ten days in China. Honestly, this is my first tour group I've traveled with a group and not too happy to be traveling this way, but for the deal I got, what the heck.

Something was different from the start. I got into Seattle five hours early and decided to go straight to the check-in for the international flight. The desk was preparing to open with the attendants getting barked at by a portly authoritative female that was clearly taking no crap. To my pleasure, she yelled at the group in front of me to move back into the queue ropes. She marched around arranging fake flowers on the desk, placing brochures exactly an inch back from the counter front, unrolling carpets into their position then moving them. Every TV monitor has the same display, but she forced a staff member to read them all and for good measure and then did it again herself. The other attendants stood clearly annoyed with her and seemed to be begging to get the day over with. With a squeak from the queen, the desk opened at exactly 10am.

The flight was nice enough despite the disappointment of the in-seat media center being broken and the headphone jack missing. The plane steadily filled but when the cabin doors were finally closed, I was tickled to find the two seats next to me unoccupied, some room to spread out.

Customs was quite through with infrared fever detectors, environmental police, and some other stations where their purpose was not as clear. I giggled on the third x-ray of my bag thinking of the apparent redundancies.